“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them” Albert Einstein
I am tremendously relieved sitting here right now and doing what I’m doing. I guess you could easily make the claim that all of us want to get better at whatever it is we’re doing. I am not sure if there’s a difference between creativity and everything else. Creativity is about making things up without a manual and the rest of whatever goes on in our lives is anchored to something.
Our imagination lives in a place with no rules, except to always try and improve and that is a never ending game of solitaire we play with our insides, almost winning, but always missing by at least one card. It’s like going for five aces and never being disappointed with whatever hand I choose to share with you.
What I am talking about is a deck that changes every time I sit at this table to try and fill the page. Unlike a bank robber, I want my fingerprints all over the place. However, even though I am looking to get caught, I want to do a good job and that can easily become an internal dance with an elusive rhythm and barely audible lyrics.
This is the 525th story I am posting on my blog, which began November 2014. Every one has felt like a challenge and I’ve labored over each, insecurities nipping at my heels. Something inevitably triggers the writing, although I’ve had to work harder recently.
Sometimes, my mind will abandon the moment and scary shit can go down and that happened a few mornings ago. All our lives are made up of actions and reactions, uniquely filed away under memories. The longer you’ve been around, the richer the palette of emotional colors.
I think as we get older, our minds become tired and we can no longer take tomorrow for granted. Listen, my body can no longer do much of what it used to. I pay a bit more attention to footing and grace, which was always taken for granted. It is no different for the mind and that’s what got me going a few mornings ago.
At age 80, I’ve got plenty of life behind me. The palette I was referring to needs more attention in order to keep those colors separate. While slowing down is part of aging, the mind actually needs more conscious attention and that requires effort. We go through our lives taking thought for granted, never imagining gaps in memory and then they begin.
As long as we’re around, we are sitting on life’s saddle. Holding the reins becomes increasingly important in order to avoid getting lost on a Memory Go Round. The longer you’ve been around, the more fertile the landscape. I had an interesting reaction to my mind wandering a few days ago and that’s why I’m writing to you this time.
Neurotically speaking, two things will occasionally spook me about getting older. I know I’ve been lucky regarding my body, which is still functioning reasonably well. I have a fairly rigorous physical regimen and so far, so good. What can you do about your mind? The best exercise is being as mindful as possible, because paying attention is how you keep track.
I was just reminded of what I know I have written many times before. One of the things about my age is that I have gotten to experience all the chronological milestones before mine. So, I have likely been the age of many of you reading this. This is very easy to turn around and apply to me. Being older and having new experiences happens to us all. Of course, some of what I am going through is brand new to me and it can be just as disconcerting when it occurs at any age.
When I initially started writing, I never thought of it in terms of being therapeutic, mostly because I had no idea what I was doing. It was like shining a light on myself and becoming increasingly comfortable with the view. I know the machine is definitely showing signs of wear and tear and its not terribly subtle either.
I never really gave much thought to my mind taking a holiday until recently. I am not going to bother checking the dictionary for the connection between Dementia and Alzheimer’s, forgetful genies from busted bottles. With a physical ailment, if you got it, you got it. The idea of not knowing my own name is terrifying and not something I’v.e really thought about, because it is a living, death sentence.
I just lied to you. I could have eliminated the prior paragraph and moved on. I don’t think there is a specific age for worrying about your mental health. Actually, there is no way there is one. I don’t know how many times in your life you thought you might be losing it. The older you get, the less funny it is, because of those two words above and when they slip out of the bottle, you’re fucked.
Writing allows me to practice thinking, making sense of what comes at me and sharing it with you. The mind can atrophy, just like the body, unless it is exercised. Simply allowing life to happen is a recipe for courting emptiness. I am definitely paying more attention to how my mind swims around my body and what happens with each thought breath.
I got to be straight with you, When you have a handful of years left to be here, it is a full-time silent whisper no one else can hear. You really need to listen harder as it gets closer, because fear can mute your future.
I believe time breeds experience, never to be confused with wisdom, a pipe dream for idealists. Wisdom is about being right and experience is about being alive and continually learning. Some mornings, it feels like I am starting all over again, a stranger to myself. There is no way I loosen my grip or panic. As the body weakens, it is the time to strengthen the mind to compensate and I am speaking from experience.
No matter how much time you spend with yourself, you never stop getting acquainted and the increase in years does not diminish the process.
LISTEN TO IT HERE:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/admin/1292459/episodes/18071075-i-was-just-thinkin