“Fear is the only thing that binds people on earth; release the fear and know the peace.” The Buddha
After all these years, this is a first for me. It is Sunday morning, November 23, 2025 and I really don’t feel like doing anything. It is looking like rain, which means throwing my leg over Flaming Lips for a ride is not going to happen, at least not now. The easiest thing and the hardest thing to do are the same for me. It goes by the name of writing.
Neil Young is singing Old Man and being 24. There are a couple of things about that. First, he recently celebrated his 80th year. Second, I could be the guy he is singing to. While I am talking about music, I hardly ever mention anymore that when I write these things, music is always on. Funny, it is not a distraction and somehow helps me think. In between thoughts, I get lost in the music and then come back to the page. Yes, I know it is a screen, but I like thinking of it that way.
I am going to get up now to make a cup of coffee. Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back…………………
I just snuck back, while the water is fighting to boil. I am writing this, because I can’t think of anything else to do and I have no idea what your excuse is for reading. Even though I have just begun, I can assure you there is no surprise ending. It is just me, sharing what happens to be going on in my life at the moment. After finishing my memoir for my three year old grandson, I promised myself to not to write about others in my life. I think I have been pretty good about it.
OK, I am back. I had to get the water boiling again, because it shut off while I was slipping in that paragraph, mentioning my memoir above. I started writing Halloween in Portland 14 years ago and now my grandson is on the verge of 17. Now, what goes on between us is nobody’s business. The book was my timeless, insurance policy, making most of my life available to him anytime he is interested. I have been blessed to have had these years for both of us to get to know each other.
Ever since starting that book, I have only been interested in leaving a legacy for my grandson. Any time he reads one of these subsequent stories, there is nothing written that I’d ever feel the need to apologize for. Being truthful is a feeling and not a fact. While facts can change, any feeling is a rainbow of emotion. How can you compare a breeze with a word written in chalk on a blackboard?
The sun has just come out and the sky has turned angel blue. I may change my mind about Flaming Lips, but I am not done with you guys just yet. I have been a bit more neurotic than usual and fear has snuck into the room. Well, that is not really true. It did not sneak in at all. It has been a drum beat that has gotten louder over time. Every pain could be fatal. Being a bit more forgetful is early dementia. All of a sudden, things seem worse than they are and whose fault is that? No way I am in this deal alone either.
All of us carry our past with us and there are endless lessons to be learned by revisiting it. You could certainly say that our past paves the path forward and knowing where you’re coming from helps you get to where you are going. I think back to the time I left NYC in ’87, having no idea where the balls came from to do it. Memory is medicine and I remember that fearless feeling I owned all those years ago. It was walking the gang plank, never looking back, blind confidence in the jump.
Man, I gotta tell you, I had some incredible adventures after letting go of that strangle hold of expectation, none of it mine, inherited from a lack of maturity and attention. I am not sure I ever felt I had a choice regarding my life. I was an actor in a play I had not written. It didn’t help that I was really good at it. For so long, the void was a bottomless pit, all of it in my mind, avoided at all cost. The passage of time became my friend and motivator. I felt the wounds and the need to heal.
So, what did I do? I bought a shoebox of an adobe home just a little south of Santa Fe, NM. The location was part of a conspiracy of events and I was along for the ride, with a serious dose of impulsivity. I never really felt comfortable in NYC and becoming someone else involved being somewhere else. The choice of destination was never a choice, it was a gorgeous destiny, unbeknownst to me at the time. There is a plan for each of us and I was compelled to explore mine back then.
I could spend a lot of words on why that particular place, but it is another story and I can only hold your attention for so long. Sure, there are always reasons why things happen. I threw my facade in the garbage. Man did I start on an adventure and in a way, it felt effortless. However, I spent some excruciatingly painful nights in that little adobe womb. I gave birth to myself and became the person I always wanted to be. Fear took a holiday and I was so thrilled the lights went on in the void and there were no shadows.
Yes, I am still drinking that cup of coffee and Tracy Chapman is singing Fast Car. Shit, I pretty much got a story down and I only got up once to get that cup. Aside from having nothing better to do this morning, there is actually something I really want to slip in right now.
Somewhere along the way, fear recently went from being dormant to dominant, like being left back in the School of Life. Funny, I remember leaving all of my suits, dress shirts and ties behind me. I got my ear pierced for a gold, hoop earring and let my hair grow. Life became an adventure, no longer a prison sentence.
I am talking about a time nearly 40 years ago. Fear is a weed you can never kill, but you can step on it. Faith is the most beautiful flower that can only grow in the heart. At times, age has captured me more than I’d like and I forget what has made my life possible, even worth sharing, not only with my grandson, but you, too.
You know, I may actually take Flaming Lips for a ride, but I want to get this out first. Thank you so much for keeping me company this Sunday morning.
LISTEN TO IT HERE
https://www.buzzsprout.com/admin/1292459/episodes/18240362-sunday