”Physical concepts are free creations of the human mind, and are not, however it may seem, uniquely determined by the external world.” Big Al Einstein
I love that quote from Einstein. You gotta find some room between his words and see where it ends up. It’s all about goddamn mind! It can either be your fortress or your quick sand. Like it or not, you are your mind. Of all people, what Einstein was saying makes total sense. His mind was not satisfied with the way things were, so he went inside himself and found a completely new Way.
Before we go one paragraph further, I have to tell where the name for this story comes from. For the three or four of you, who have read my memoir for my grandson, the second part of the title is this story’s name. I started that book around fifteen years ago, so details have kind of gone their own way. I know I thought about it a lot. The opening part is Halloween in Portland. Now, that is not terribly creative, considering I was in Portland, OR over All Hallow’s Eve.
Whenever I think I have come up with a new word or phrase, I am invariably screwed. Of course, I knew the word “diary” had been used all over the place. I loved that word, because I realized it was my Way of writing. Personally, I would never refer to my style, if I even have one, as stream of consciousness. When I first heard it, I immediately envisioned urgently urinating on a rock. I take my time and make changes until I post it. To me, it would be a show a complete disrespect to the reader, who deserves to have some thought behind what he/she is reading. Trust me, I know it is a totally legitimate term and describes some of the greatest writers of all time. I swear I am only talking about me, this late blooming, novice writer and his non-fact based opinion.
Like Einstein said, imagination is a product of mind, 1+1=3. It is like an octopus, a singular entity with infinite moving parts, coming together to seamlessly move us through time and space. This is not some brilliant Zen explanation of mind, just my sloppy version of it. In the practice, you read things like “Everyday mind is the Way”. Meditating doesn’t help you find mind, because it has always been there and that’s the key. So, you end up letting go of the search, you just allow it.
I have been sitting for around a half hour each morning for well over thirty years. From the beginning, I never held out hope of becoming enlightened. To me, it is not some higher state of being. If you are able to fully accept who you are, absent any judgment, you are pretty goddamn solid in that regard. I believe it is a waste of time and energy to search for some higher state of being. It would separate you from everyone else, as opposed to embracing our shared fallibility with all.
The idea of mindfulness has become very popular. For many, it becomes a perverted attempt to find happiness, which is a serious waste of time. For me, it is like looking into a very sharp mirror and seeing as much of yourself as possible. I guess in the very beginning of my practice, I stand guilty of internally looking for some fabulous way of being, aspiring to be an Ikea version of the Dalai Lama. In fact, there is nothing to put together, because it is all there.
How often do you think about what you’re thinking about? I do it all the time and I don’t know how else I could write. More importantly, it allows me to look at the map of my life. The clearer it becomes, the closer I am to the Way of everyday life, always meant to be ever so slightly out of reach, because it is a timeless journey.
At the same time, I have come to understand there is a huge missing element in this equation. I know I have obliquely referenced before, my doing a Native Hawaiian healing ceremony. I was advised that the more details you share with more people, it begins to lose its effectiveness. Breath is a very big deal in their culture and when you speak about something, you give away the breath you must hold on to, in order to stay close to spirit. To me, without finding and embracing spirit, you are destined to only stand on two legs. It is the energetic tripod, gifting us with a steady hand to guide us on the Way. It is a blind faith in where you are and where you are going. It is the unseen rhythm in life’s beautiful dance. It is out there, waiting to be held and never wrong.
I think it is time divert the stream a little bit. I have kind of been dangerously cerebral and it is time to bring it home to me. Had I not done that ceremony, I would likely still be wallowing in a mind blown apart by the evil winds of anxiety. What I am about to share only matters to me. I have just taken the last piece of a fragmented pill for medicating my elusive hell of the mind. The remainder is now in the garbage. As much as I make a point of owning a heavy dose of humility, I confess to being quietly proud of myself for having the will and taking the chance to find my Way.
In my small world, Spirit did battle with Anxiety. It was like Godzilla, Captain of the Spirit Team vs. King Kong, Captain of the Mind Team doing battle. Godzilla had to win, because he is nuclear powered. Do you feel me here? I just couldn’t help myself and I know it is kind of dumb. Sue me!.
If it feels like I am in a celebratory mood, I am. At the same time, it doesn’t warrant congratulations, lest I forget the darkest darkness I have ever experienced. It is not behind me, it will always be with me.
Mind needs to be our trusted ally, not the enemy. I believe with all my heart that embracing Spirit is the Way.
I don’t know how many of have been with me for a while. I want you to know how deeply I appreciate that. Thank you so much for reading my Diary, whether first time or fiftieth.
Blessings
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