I have been thinking a lot about the idea of growing up and how my perspective on the subject has changed as the decades clicked by. In my writing, I have purposely avoided much talk about my age, which happens to be 70. I am no spokesperson for AARP, trumpeting the limitless possibilities and rich life available to the greying populace, an inspiration for the crepe paper, skinned legions. I am a writer who unashamedly wants to be read by as diverse an audience as possible.
I always forget about the gold hooped, earring hanging down from the lobe of my left ear and what kind of first impression it might make on others. Similarly, I am unconscious of my seniority, but when I occasionally grab a look in the mirror or see my reflection in a window, I am reminded of being in the extended sunset of my ultimate departure. I think it is the chicken neck that can’t be airbrushed from the mirror view that usually gets my attention.
I am now frequently the oldest person in a room, while as a kid I remember wanting to always look older than my age. So much attention gets paid to how our appearance changes, but the real story for me has been how my internal landscape has changed with time. Sometimes, it feels like I have the ability to dig deeper than I could earlier in my life. It also comes with a dose of humility. I think I have always resented being stereotyped and have likely gone out of my way to avoid the leg irons of predictability.
Early on, growing up is all milestones and there is one first after another. I prayed I wouldn’t be short. I started masturbating about a year too soon and it was worth the wait. While we’re at it, losing my virginity was very big. My first job as a sixth grader was being a lunchtime waiter at a delicatessen within walking distance of elementary school. I made $2.50 a week and started buying my own clothes with it.
I went to Queens College and stayed at home for a very, very long 21 years until I graduated. The seismic Sixties had begun to rumble under my feet, while I was still in high school. I was dying to finish with school and to get out into this exciting and colorful world. When I moved into the Ageloff Towers in NYC’s East Village and no longer had to call my mother about not coming home, it was one of those parachute moments into freedom and adulthood. I was finally going to start living my life.
At some point, the seesaw of time begins to shift and no matter how much you protest, that damn board is going to leave the security of the ground and gradually lift you up in the air, where you end up having a greater vantage point than ever before, in spite of the reluctance to relinquish many aspects of childhood. On the ride, you garner endless experiences, never to be confused with wisdom, which is also part of the myth of the grown up.
The more I experience, the less I know. I remember when I first dressed in a suit and tie to go to work at the NBC Television Network. I had a goddamn office with windows and someone answered the phone for me! I was certain about a lot more things back them than I am now. It took years to realize I was playing the role of success, trying to live up to some ideal of The Grown Up. It took many more years for a desire for authenticity to take hold of my steering wheel. As I have slowed down, it has somehow afforded me more time to explore where I am, which is different than who I am.
The whole idea of growing up is not about a destination, rather it is a direction, a positive trajectory of expansion, beginning with our ability to distinguish light from dark, slowly experiencing the infinite pallet of colors available to us, as we rise off the grounded seesaw of our childhood. For me, as I have ripened, I have become even more introspective than I have ever been, which is its own kind of journey.
What I have learned and why I am sharing this is directly connected to my chronology. I haven’t stopped growing and regardless of age, all of us are continually evolving. No two people could possibly be the same, so we are all in different places, finding our way in the world, the great equalizer between us all as far as I am concerned.
Life ends when it ends and in the interim, it seems like a good idea to keep growing up.